Rachel's Yard

| A New Continuation

This is a short story about me, up until this point.

Short Preface

Growing up as the only child (and seen as a boy) in a traditional Chinese family (in China), it has its perks and disadvantages.

Perks:

  1. Treated like a emperor
  2. Treated like you are entitled
  3. "Don't worry about it"

Disadvantages:

  1. Basically everything else

Life goes on for many years: me and my cousins (Can you guess which one is me?)

New Direction

With a dad who has a MBA degree, and a mom who was basically a teacher her entire life, my parents decided that it would be a good idea for me to study aboard, specifically, the United States. Of course, my parents were very emotional when we waved our hands at HKG, when I was 14 years old.

New Environment

When I arrived in the States, I was greeted with my dad's best friends. While all other international students were living with their assigned host famililes, I was basically living with an extension of my family. Sandy, she treated me like her own son, even more so than her own kids, for reasons that I did not understand.

New Relationship

Well, when you were young, the hormone rush was real. My puberty came early, and I had my first "girlfriend" when I was like, 12. I still felt guilty that I did so many unspeakably horrible things to her. Likewise, I had a second "girlfriend" while I was in high school, 16, in the States. I, again, did many unspeakbly horrible things to her as well. I did not know why I was such abusive towards people that I care about.

New School

graduation (Graduated from high school, PC my dad)

High school went by without much hurdles, and UCSC was the only school that accepted me (and SJSU, and UCD), and I started my life in a college dorm, 18.

New Friends

  1. Alex was this person in the group who always seems to be more mature than the rest of the group. He approached me with kindness, however I responded with hostility.
  2. Tiffany was this girl in the group who always can have a new conversation with anyone. However, I evitably fell in love with her, for two years, until the abusive side of me swallowed the relationship.
  3. Taiki was this boy in the group who always seems like the quiet one.

New Conflict

I was very ego-centric, authoritarian, basically like my dad. It wasn't until I was 21, I had realized how fucked up I was as a human being. For that, I want to say special thanks to Alex, Tiffany, and Taiki. They were there when I was throwing my tantrum; they were there where no one else was there for me (not even my parents, seriously); they were there while I was at my lowest point.

New Struggle

Ever since I was young, there was this part of me thats always feels different. I would dress up from my mom's wardrope in secret sometimes, and felt bad about it because I was taught that this is wrong. On the other hand, the more I saw my dad, the more I got scared. I remembered vividly of how my dad cheated on my mom, and when my mom confronted him, he hit my mom with my toy. I remembered vividly of how my dad will yell at my mom for the slightest error out of nothing. I would secretly feel bad for my mom. As I grew older and my puberty hit me like a train, I thought that I was just another regular guy who is "like father like son". But, that got me scared again. It must have been a mistake. I'm not like my dad, I don't want to become my dad.

New Realization

To me, this is a blessing that I was at a liberal college, and learned about feminism and sexuality. It was Christmas in 2015, that I started to explore myself:

Canada

The reaction from my friends was, "wow." The reaction from my parents was, "what the fuck?"

The idea of "transgenderism" was still unknown to me, however, I found myself more at ease with feminine living attiude and inner self. I started to dress more feminine, I started to at least try to be more compassionated, I started to align myself with what I thought I should become. For the entire 2016, I was exploring myself, and trying to figure out myself. Some parts of me suddenly click, as if I have found my soul. Other parts of me with an internalized transphobia screams to me that I'm a freak. During that time of internal struggle, I found myself as Rachel, the lost child.

New Life

It was after my 22nd birthday, and a random morning sometime in December, I woke up from a dream that I could not recall. However, it was like a calling to me that I should call my doctor, about starting HRT. I've been researching many topics about myself, from the liberal side, from the conservative side, about "is transgenderism a mental illness", everything about transgender. It was to my conclusion that, no, I've been doubting myself my entire life, and I need to take back control of my own life.

New Me

I started HRT under very a detailed informed consent, and two (separate) letters from therapists. Immediately (exaggeration), I found myself at ease at myself. I had found the lost self for 22 years. It never occurred to me that HRT was the magical bullet that pierce through the fog, and saved me from doubts. I had found my lost emotions again. Hormones are the messengers of the Gospel, so to speak. I'm hopeful that I'm being myself.

Me and Alex (Me and Alex)

New Future

  1. Developed SlugSurvival so it can help my fellow students with their course planning, hoping that the school will take over and integrate
  2. Soon be an accounting intern at a non-profit in Santa Cruz, Rising International, help with their cause of ending poverty
  3. Continuing to be a peer advisor at the econ department
  4. Helping a professor for his economic thesis as an undergraduate researcher
  5. Still have to find a job

Synopsis

  1. Love my friends and neighbors as myself.
  2. Be thankful.
  3. No one else should define who I am other than myself.

Friends and Family

Tahoe

Thanks for Reading

bye

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